Integrity Definition of INTEGRITY (according to Webster)
1: firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values: incorruptibility
2: an unimpaired condition: soundness
3: the quality or state of being complete or undivided: completeness
I have always loved the word Integrity, and it is a quality I so deeply admire in people when I see it, a quality I seek after and strive to follow in my actions and words. In my prayers and the deepest desires of my heart I pray to be seen as a woman who walks in integrity.
I’m pretty sure God has been listening to my prayers….go figure
“May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope, Lord, is in you.” Psalm 25:21
His answer to them, in general God vs. human flawed thought fashion, is a little different than I expected. Yet still far more valuable than any form of response I could have concocted; a great theme found when looking at God’s plan vs. ours.
Since India (month 4), the Lord has been walking me through what it means to be consistent in my faith, joy, boldness, attitude, love, praise, and trust. He has been walking me through what it means to be a woman who walks in soundness and consistency in those things. God has been talking to me about being a woman who changes the environments I enter and not a woman who is changed by the environment, something that takes a great deal of faith and trust in God to do.
Conversations with God – Rwanda, Month 6
“Caroline, think into all the times over the past few months when you felt disconnected from me. Times when you knew you were not operating as the woman I have called you to be. What in your heart and actions was different during those times?”
“Well…..I kinda feel like you might know the answer to this, you being God and all. Is this going to be a moment of introspection where, in answering your question, I see that I have been an idiot in something and realize the solution to my grief has been obtainable the entire time I have been sitting in this stuff?”
“Very probable, now why don’t you answer my question”
“Duh! You have been talking to me about sacrificing a heart of praise since Nepal.
“Be joyful always;
pray continually; give thanks always ,
in all circumstances,
for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
“Interesting, is there a reason you struggle with being consistent in this heart set”
“Sure! The world is a pretty scary place and for the past 25yrs, I have acquired some pretty good reasons to ‘fend for myself’ and try and avoid pain”
“What does ‘avoiding pain’ generally look like”
“keeping stuff to myself”
“So it is possible, that even though we had already talked over not having an orphan heart and operating out of a sense of needing to constantly protect yourself from being hurt or let down, you might have reverted back to that for a bit? Is it also possible that you are so accustomed to walking away when community seems uncomfortable, unsafe or out of your control that your fleshly heart went into ‘survival mode’ when it felt threatened and you shut down.”
“Sounds about right”
“In shutting down, you did a lot of shutting Me out. Even though you cried out to me, you were so consumed by your fear of community that you were not operating in complete trust in me. You spoke it out, but your heart did not act accordingly”
“So, now that I am aware of this, you are going to hold me pretty accountable to it?”
“You got it!”
For three months I spent time in a season where I did not want to trust where the Lord had me without knowing why I was there. I knew that He was growing me, refining me, teaching me; but I had no idea what that looked like and was not pleased with the emotions and lack of freedom I felt. If asked if I trusted God, I could speak out the truth and reply that I knew God was good and I knew each moment was an opportunity to grow and see His love. Often times this was an internal conversation, because I could speak out the truth, I could not see that my heart was far from feeling and operating in trust. I fell into a pit of dissatisfaction and stopped operating out of the core of who I am. I lost my walk of praise and trust and felt very unsafe. I lost huge pillars of my character such as energy and joy. From there, I started to mourn the things I knew I was struggling to operate in and spent months face down asking God for a revelation that would take me out of the pit I had placed myself in.
After months of praying, God placed an amazing woman in my life to refresh my Spirit and take me from my pit. I met Laura, a long term missionary in Rwanda, and I was confronted with someone who was filled with the Spirit I had quenched. I was given the blessing of someone who reminded my spirit of the operation it felt free in.
“God, really! I have been face down praying to find my way out of this for months and the way out was ‘choosing in’ to joy and praise”
“Wait, why did this take so long?”
“Really Caroline! Why did YOU take so long? The choice was yours. You could have decided to trust me far before now. It has hurt my heart to see you like that. Your lack of rest and inability to see your lack of trust was hard to watch, but I will not force you to trust me. Learn from those months. Decide that you do not want to go back to unsteady ground. Decide to be a woman of consistent foundation and simply have peace in knowing I am constant even when others are not!”
“Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62: 5-6
“Did I lose my integrity?”
“You did for a bit. You have been praying to be redefined and taken to a raw place; that means the things you held on to as pillars are being changed. Your soundness now has the ability to come from something that never has and never will change: Me.
“Jesus Christ is the same
yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8
”So now that I have this awareness, having integrity means operating out of the truths you have spoken to me?”
‘Yup”
“I like that, let’s do that”
“OK! Get ready to DIG deep with me”
“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”
Barbara De Angelis
I was not sure this was going to happen, but I have certainly been praying about it since the start of the race. In saying goodbye and leaving for 11 months away, I prepared my heart that it might happen. I have prayed for peace and for the Lord's will to be done. I have asked that whatever happened it would be pain free and something that resulted in an encounter with God, my prayers have been answered.
On April 23, 2012 at 9pm my parents sent me a short email I will never forget:
"Sweetheart, Beege (my grandfather) went home to the Lord this evening at 7:38 pm 4/23/12. We tried calling the number we recorded for the WR supervisor but it did not go through. We have the Skype with us. Luv Luv - Dad"
My grandfather has gone home to a place of peace and rest.
With a combination of his Alzheimer's and age I have been praying that his return home would be peaceful and painless, my prayers were answered. My grandfather is now home and his travel there was one of peace. The hardest thing was not being there, not being able to hold his hand and tell him I loved him. Not being able to stay from start to finish in the ICU and pray over him. Not being able to hug my mom or be held by my father. It has however, been a time when God has talked to me about being someplace in spirit and heart.
When I look back on my grandfather's 93 years I see a man who lived his life fully. He survived multiple plane crashes during WWII, partnered with World Vision in third-world countries and raised my mother in a home that knew of andexperienced the Holy Spirit. This year he would have turned 94 years old. Up to last Thursday when he was taken to the ICU, he was one of the most socially active seniors I have ever met. He volunteered at the church cafe, religiously attended bingo at Chic-Fil-A, went to Silver Sneakers at the YMCA multiple times a week, went on a brunch date with my father each Saturday, and had friends over to his apartment all the time.
He saw each day as a blessing and sought to make the most out of life, in the process he taught his granddaughter about living out loud.
My first blog on the race was about the fear of something happening to my parents while I was overseas. The experience of losing my grandfather has certainly been used by satan as a way to reintroduce that fear. Each time, I feel the anxiety and pull to go home and spend every minute my parents have with them. Each time Jesus reminds me that it is a lie. I am reminded what a disservice it would be to keep to myself the immeasurable amount of love they have given me. A love they gave me so that someday I would have such an abundance of love that it would overflow to others. I realize how scared satan must be at the thought of someone venturing out of their comforts to discover their abilities in furthering the Kingdom. He knows my parents are the best place to try and hold me, thankfully it is a lie that has been exposed as has no power over me. I look at the life of my grandfather and know he must have overcome a multitude of attacks trying to prevent him from going out and exploring the different ways he could work for the Kingdom. I want to honor my grandfather and my parents by being able to look back on my life and know that I never stayed back because of fear.
"No passion so effectually robs the mind of all its powers of acting and reasoning as fear."
-EDMUND BURKE
If home is where your heart is, I delight in knowing my home is heaven. If heaven is not a place I enter today, I simply pray that I would see heaven fall while here and that each day His Kingdom would come.
Married 64 years
The day I left for The World Race> He lived with us for the past 15 yrs
As we road to cell group in the back of Pa's (our contact) pickup truck things in town seemed normal, it was April 12, 2012 and we had heard how intense the Thai New Year's celebration could get. All week we had seen how immense preparations were. After 8 months on The World Race we knew better than to have expectations, the only thing we knew was the festivities would have started by the time cell group ended.
As we said goodbye to the members of the cell group our Pa made sure we had the appropriate supplies needed to drive into the thick of celebrations. As we loaded onto the two benches bolted in the back of the pickup Pa decided to kick off the New Year by spraying us with the water hose, our first of many attacks that night.
At first it was shocking to see such small children toting
massive guns and then we would see the way they handled their guns and terror
would sink in. We were NOT prepared! We
had nothing more than the tub of ammo and it was not going to be adequate
protection. The children were too relentless. Right off the bat we knew that we
had to survive the night so we could stock up and go out the next day. We knew
we had to take arms and fight for those who could not fight for themselves.
After a few hours we were home safe.
We woke up the next morning and went to stock
up. Jenna and Madisson each purchased the largest guns sold while Bri and I
purchased smaller guns so we could also man the ammo bucket. The four of us left the store ARMED. In the short
distance from our contact's house to the store and back we undertook some heavy
fire, but we made it back for lunch and "suiting-up".
And so it began
If you have never thought of going to Thailand during their New Years celebrations, reconsider
I opened the door and was face to face with my teammate who
immediately knew what must have happened and responded in her own disbelief.
For a few minutes we stood there not able to stop the combination of grinning
and giggling. We reassured and confirmation that the event did in fact just happen. Our reactions were that which follow perfect life examples of tragic comedies. Times when you are still
processing something that seems too unlikely to have just happened, yet
certainly did. Moments when you know Murphy and his law ("anything that can go wrong will go wrong") are laughing.
"God, did that just happen!"
"Yep! sure did, how are you going to react?"
"I have no idea! At the moment it is comical that this
actually happened. In the long run I am going to be pretty sad not to have it"
""Sad not to have it"" that is understandable. Do you
believe I will give you other ways to praise me"
"I know, but still....That is my favorite time with you and
now it is a pile of crap"
"fact my daughter. fact. I guess I get to grow you in praise
and worship, don't I? "
"Alright! but it doesn't mean I will not go back to it"
"I never said you wouldn't go back to it! I did not cause this, but I will use
it to grow you if you let me"
"FINE!"
"I love you, I'm proud of you!"
"Yeah Yeah, I know! And I love you too"
In case you were ever wondering what sort of conversation I
would have with God after my Ipod fell into the squatty potty, that is it. The
odds of it happening were slim considering the hole is about the size of a
brick, but it did. After days of the team cracking jokes over having to "perfect our aim" and
"gain control" I learned the hole was certainly large enough that a full
sized Ipod could drop square down with plenty of room on each side. It
is a sad loss. One that I can't help but laugh over when I think of the
story and all the fun ways I can describe the current situation of my music. After it happened it took me some time and reaching a point of desperation before I was able to use the bathroom and knowingly pee on my Ipod. Now it is simply a constant part of life in Uganda.
FACT: Myself and my entire team has now peed and
pooped on
my Ipod which is now a pile of crap.
The Irony: As my Ipod flew 20+ feet to the bottom of the hole the song Fly by David Helser was playing :-)
I never thought I would be a woman who would change for a
man
Especially a much older man
A man who constantly expects and desires me to change
Not only am I changing for this man, I am redecorating my
heart for Him
He is the first thing I think about in the morning and the
last thing on my mind before bed
I spend my day with songs of Him stuck in my mind and on my
lips
I am a woman excited to be called His bride
I am Excited to spend eternity being romanced by Him
I am a woman who desires my alone time with Him and crave
it multiple times a day
When did I become this woman?
How could I become a woman so willing to change for someone
else?
How could I not!
How could I deny such words from my
creator?
How could I deny the promises of Jesus who wants to be my
the provider for all my needs
How could I deny the romance of someone who SEES ME and loves me supernaturally
How could I deny someone who wants me to be nothing but the
best version of myself
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. - 2 Cor 3:18
Someone who wants me to be the woman I was created to be
So here I am on the world race, throwing out all the things
I decorated my heart with over the past 25 years
When I look back through my past I can see snapshots of when I
allowed Jesus to help guide my choices
Moments when I would consult Him in making MY choices
I look around my heart and I see so much CRAP that I decorated
my heart with
Over the past four months I have started igniting and
throwing out things living in my heart that God doesn't want there. Things that
He did not invite into my heart, things that He wants to replace with quality
items.
I want my heart to be a place my BELOVED wants to call home
From the floor up, I want my creator to toss out anything
that does not make Him feel invited
My heart is a place where the Holy Spirit lives, I want it
to be a place he calls HOME
There has been sooo much cleaning in my heart
I feel Him dwell in my heart more than ever. Every now
and then He finds something I have allowed to collect dust and He asks me if I
am willing to throw it out.
At times it's easy to toss things out of my heart, other
times I have a good cry over the thought of letting go of something I have let
live so deeply in my heart.
I never thought I would be a woman who would openly change
for a man, but here I am asking Jesus to change menow and forever.
I am asking a man to never let me settle for feeling
complete in the work He is doing in my hear.
When I feel settled in a deeply comfortable place with Him,
I ask Him to find more in me to grow and deeper places to take me
So...
Not only am I changing to be His bride, I'm delighted to give
Him full control over my life
Delighted to know that to be His bride means to always have
room to grow, room to change for Him
I AM a woman who always has Jesus on my mind, constantly
hoping I can look more and more like Him
The home they have known is no longer where they rest
Notes filled with prophetic pictures describing who I am
How God views me
Words describing my past few months and depicting the scenes
that are forever etched on my heart
Moments I fear that I will forget the taste of
Something I have had to give to God
Something I have had to trust He will not let my heart
forget
Words no longer within my grasp, not since losing my journal
in India
As I started to deal with the thought of losing my journal
and the notes written to me while on this journey, I started to fear that I
would also lose the memory of where my heart has traveled and the new
definition my soul has taken on.
"I will not let you forget this"
"When you need a reminder, I will provide it. Remember, I live within your
heart."
As I continually had to let go of my emotional ties to my
journal and the comfort in knowing my hearts voice was documented if ever I
needed to be reminded of its character, God started to ask me to tell Him who I was.
I was faced with moments of standing strong in my hearts
identity
Not in a prideful way that outwardly makes a point to its
qualities
Just inwardly, to God
A two way conversation
Sometimes he reminded me how he created my heart and assured
me that I was walking as the woman he made me to be
Other times he would pose a question and I would have to
confirm that I understood who I am and that I didn't need to hear it from other
sources. I had understood, but now had to stand confident in the assurance that
sources outside of Him were not going to define my heart.
Slowly
He reminded me that I did not need a journal to tell me who
I am
Or where I have been
My words are lost in India
But, the description of my hearts
creation has never been so clearly within my grasp
The crazy thing...
The description of who I was created to be will never be
complete
I hope to never be a defined identity
I hope to never be someone who has reached their definition
Done being written
With each draft, I give it to God and delight in the edits
He makes
Such a GREAT Question, I thought I would write a blog about it
^Play-break from laying rocks on our newly built road
2 teams from Ocnita visited for a workday
We moved rocks, sifted sand, made concrete, gathered firewood,
broke down a stone wall, made a driveway
When living in a small village in Moldova
How do you get groceries?
Hike 2 miles to the bus stop
take the MaxiTaxi 30+ minutes to Ocnita
Shop in the market
Try and split 2 weeks worth of food between Emily and Myself
Reverse process
Pray for strength and play the "I'm Thankful For..." game while hiking back
Awesome Race Moment
Field Trip TO Naslavcea School / Museum
^^AJ-Our FIERCE leader, I ADORE Her
^^Climbing with the CUTEST translator EVER
^ "tennis" in the school gym
^ Playing Dressup in the museum
^ Learning about the rug loom
^ war memorabilia from 1948
^Hand-made pottery & furniture
How Do We Travel???
BY TRAIN, LOTS OF TRAINS
13 hrs from Bucharest - Moldova
7 hrs from Chisinau, Moldova - Ocnita, Moldova
7 hrs back to Ocnita, Moldova - Chisinau, Moldova
7 hrs Chisinau, Moldova - Ocnita, Moldova
Moldovan Moments:
Our Sunday Trek
On Sunday mornings we start our trek to church at 6:30 AM
7:00 AM we load into the maxitaxi
What is a MaxiTaxi ???? 15 passenger van converted into a mini bus
Last Sunday there were 33 people and their bags in the maxitaxi
7:30AM We arrive in Occnita
Once in Ocnita we might shop for groceries or visit one of the two teams stationed in Ocnita
Story Time: The first Sunday we were in Moldova, we had no idea that we had a 3 hr wait between arriving in Ocnita and church starting, so we sat in the cold church anticipating church to begin any minute for THREE HOURS
Classic WR moment
10:30 Church starts
Each Sunday we are invited to sing a few songs, share a message and tell a testimony
Our Sunday walk comes with many beautiful skyscapes
Awesome to see the many moods the sky experiences before settling in for the day
WE MET ANOTHER SQUAD!!!
After our first week in Moldova we were sent to Chisinau, Moldova (capital) to welcome U-Squad into their FINAL MONTH!
Team FIERCE (my team) & team Radiant (another A-squad all girls team) were able to go out to
lunch with U-squad's all girl team
It was AMAZING
team Radiant & team Apexers
SUCH A BLESSING
They areSPECTACULARmen and women
They areBEAUTIFULmen and women
Spirit moved worship
It was so amazing to hear their stories, glean off their experience, and hear of how they have grown and been challenged during their race
Soooooooooooooooo
IF
You are ready for me to come home
GET OVER IT!!
I have 9 more months and this IS the time of my life
appropriate supplies needed to drive into the thick of celebrations. As we loaded onto the two benches bolted in the back of the pickup Pa decided to kick off the New Year by spraying us with the water hose, our first of many attacks that night. 
protection. The children were too relentless. Right off the bat we knew that we
had to survive the night so we could stock up and go out the next day. We knew
we had to take arms and fight for those who could not fight for themselves.
After a few hours we were home safe. 
The four of us left the store ARMED. In the short
distance from our contact's house to the store and back we undertook some heavy
fire, but we made it back for lunch and "suiting-up". 
Our reactions were that which follow perfect life examples of tragic comedies. Times when you are still
processing something that seems too unlikely to have just happened, yet
certainly did. Moments when you know Murphy and his law ("anything that can go wrong will go wrong") are laughing.
